Sir Gregory!

Sir Gregory is coming! This is my friend, Katherine’s, new blog. She’s an incredible writer, who interns for a local magazine. I hope you guys enjoy her story as much as I do! Also, isn’t she just the cutest?

 

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Tuesday list of things

// I’m pretty sure every single girl on my campus is wetting their knickers for this website. // If you need a little pick-me-up today. // This guy makes me want to cook the rest of my life. // I’m so inspired to go out and make art and to see the world as a canvas! // Someone has captured my heart. Oh dear god. // My favorite is I Fucked the Western Hemisphere, And All I Got Was This Stupid Syphilis. // She is my personal fucking hero. // Happy Tuesday!

 

Hannah’s Guide to Happiness

I figured that since Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, you could all use a guide to happiness from a girl who receives  joy from waking up and only looking a little bit boyish, as opposed to last month when the “little boy” switch just would not turn off. Nothing makes my soul cringe more than the five second pause people take when deciding between ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’. We in the South, ya’ll!

One characteristic I really love about myself is my seemingly eternal  happiness. It’s not that I have this wonderfully, idyllic life or that I snort rainbows and ride unicorns in my free time. I’m pretty sure it’s because I can find happiness in things you would find stupid. For example, I will go through the rest of the day beaming because I woke up before my alarm, or because I got to pee on the second toilet from the right, or because the ice water for breakfast just tastes so goddamn good. So here’s what makes me happy.

Happiness is…

1. Corgi Puppies. Oh my gosh, you guys! A friend introduced me to Bandit yesterday, and since then I have turned into a Corgi fanatic. Nothing has captured my heart more than this little guy, though. Try to stay mad at your cat for peeing on your laptop after this! Just try it!

2. Those few seconds of eye contact with a person you think is interesting.

3. Opening the door to your mother doing her very best impersonation of Jack Nicholson in “The Shining”, and then experiencing the beautiful combination

4. Making it to the top of that mountain after getting lost and having visions of Jed and Mama Clampett and that creepy little banjo kid from Deliverance swimming in my head.

5. Cuddling under the covers when it’s freezing out.

6. Serendipitous encounters.

7. A cup of tea and a new book that smells like the musty half-priced bookstore.

8. Late night drives full of laughter, music, vegan goodies, and great company.

9. Sitting on the common room couch, watching Downton Abbey with your two best friends.

10. Soy Dream ice cream and pandora radio all night long.

11. Thinking about the future.

12.Your mother and the woman you babysit for acting out the entire SNL Gilly skit and substituting the words for their very own “I had a peanut in my pants” version.

13. Laughing until you pee.

14. Finding the song that perfectly encompasses everything you’re feeling.

15. Recognizing yourself in others.

16. Being acknowledged by people who I think don’t notice me at all.

17. Smiles from strangers.

18. Sixty degree weather in January. IN FUCKING JANUARY!

19. Driving to Kroger in the middle of the night to buy a package of oreos.

20. Abandoned houses and photo shoots.

Nothing quite says dinner like vaginal mashed potatoes

Many of you know that I spent last year having near-death experiences on bicycles, drinking way too much beer, and making jokes about Hitler and lederhosen. However, what I have kept from a lot of you are the lessons in humility I learned along the way. After a long hard inner debate, (that lasted about five seconds, because let’s be honest, I have no dignity at this point) I’ve decided to tell the Internet about my vaginal mashed potatoes. And before you ask, it is a family recipe. Usually this story only rears it’s ugly head whenever my best friend’s family has guests, but today I’m feeling generous.

One night, as we’re making dinner, I asked my host brother if he ever cooks anything other than boiled potatoes. Because honestly, if I was going to have to eat one more thing that reminded me of warm, mushy tongue, I would have killed something. Of course he said yes, so I asked “Do you guys ever make mashed potatoes?” Here’s where it gets tricky, because I didn’t know the word for mashed and the only synonym I could think of was mushy. I figured that the word must stay the same, and in German you just chalk on an -ig to the end of a word to make it an adjective so I picked “muschig potatoes” and voila! Only one problem: The word “Muschi” means vagina in German, so essentially, I had just asked my host brother how he made his vaginal mashed potatoes.

To this, he answered, “Uh.. let me just go get my sister. Maybe she’ll be able to help you.” And of course, the entire time I was racking my brains trying to think of what I had said wrong. Then my host sister comes in and I ask her the same question, only this time, for good measure, I add in, “You know, like white and creamy. Muschig potatoes!” Still no look of comprehension, and I start to see my brother cracking a smile and I seriously am about to burst into tears because how can someone start laughing at a girl who is just trying to find out if they fucking eat mashed potatoes in Germany? I mean, Jesus Christ.

Then come the host parents and I repeat the same goddamn question, “Do you guys make muschig potatoes? Like, white and creamy. They’re super delicious and I like mine with lots of salt and butter!” and by the end of it my eyes are welling up with tears and I’m getting super flustered and then these fucking people have the nerve to laugh at me and wheeze until somehow I’m laughing with them, trying not to think about why they think I’m so funny.

It’s not until later that I realize that I asked for vaginal mashed potatoes. I guess I should have seen this coming, what with the calling everyone a testicle goblin for the first three months and saying “Oh my god, I am so turned on” every time I was complaining about the heat. The logical conclusion I have chosen to draw is that dignity is for pussies, and I’m a fucking boss.

On the Menu

It’s no secret that my staple to any delicious meal is chick peas. These wonderful buttery balls of delight are high in protein, and holy bejesus fuckballs are they addictive. Try to eat just one chick pea. I dare you. I used to sit in my room in Germany, sobbing into a can of chick peas, while cursing my impulsive decision to live away from my parents for a year, so you could say that I have a pretty strong emotional connection to this bean. Also, who doesn’t love a food that’s sneaky enough to have two names?

This recipe is from Vegweb, and setting aside the fact that I can’t seem to refer to it as anything other than Vag Web, (blame my mother), it’s a great website for fast and easy recipes. This is a combination of my two favorite ingredients, spinach and chickpeas, and it’s an awesome way to get your protein, calcium, fiber, and iron. Did I mention that your mouth will shout out orgasmic sounds of pleasure at the first bite? Yeah, it’ll happen. I chose to eat it in a whole wheat wrap instead of the pita bread, but that’s just me. Enjoy!

Chickpeas and Spinach

1 to 2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 onion, chopped
2 to 4 tablespoons minced garlic
1 (15 ounce) can chickpeas, drained or 12 ounces cooked chickpeas
1 (10 ounce) package chopped frozen spinach, thawed and drained or 8 ounces fresh spinach
2 to 3 tablespoons lemon juice
1 tablespoon tahini
1 tablespoon concentrated tomato paste
1 tablespoon ground coriander
1 tablespoon ground cumin
1 tablespoon ground ginger
1 tablespoon ground paprika or cayenne pepper
salt, to taste
1/4 to 3/4 cup liquid (water, wine, or vegetable broth)

I went with vegetable broth for the last one, which added a savory taste to the chickpeas.

1. In a saute pan, heat vegetable oil  Add onion and garlic; saute until soft. Stir in the chickpeas and spinach. Saute for another 2 to 4 minutes.

2. Add the lemon juice, tahini, tomato paste, and spices (coriander, cumin, ginger, paprika or cayenne pepper, and salt).

3. Lower the temperature. Add 1/4 cup liquid and simmer for 10 minutes. Add additional liquid if you want a thinner consistency.

Serve with rice or bread. I make a big batch of this and keep it in the fridge.  It’s quick, nutritious, and good hot or cold.

Serves: 6 to 8, Preparation time: 15 to 20 minutes

The Legend of Cat Lady

Strap on your swagger and hide the kittens, Ladies and Gentlemen, because Mama Furbush is comin’ to town! This is a woman who will write me pages about the drama going on between her cats, leaving a sentence at the very end informing me that yes, my father and troll brother are indeed both still alive. She is a woman who says things like, “Every time I see a hairy back, I just want to lick it all over!” and “I’m studying for my crazy cat lady certification. It’s coming along nicely, thank you for asking.” She is not so much a woman, as a legend. She was the only reason I had any facebook friends in high school, and she’s probably the main reason that I have no sense of normalcy.

Friday marks the arrival of Princess Consuela, and I have already been informed that “we gonna party like it’s 1933 and Prohibition was just repealed!” The usual screaming and cooing, which terrifies my father so much that he feels the need to hide in my Glamour magazines, will occur. Also on the list: wreaking the usual havoc on my university, attending a concert of a man named Poncho Sanchez, dancing until somebody pees, and maybe having “Who Can Do the Best Running Man” contests, which really aren’t contests at all.Excitement could not even come close to encapsulating what I am feeling at this moment!

Oh, and did I also mention that this gem is turning fifty-one tomorrow?

A post about PETA

I bet half of you skimmed over this thinking that I was just going to rant about the wonderful campaign tactics of throwing fake blood at people wearing fur, having celebrities pose nude with the slogan ‘meat is murder’ tattooed over the naughty bits, and breaking into aquariums and releasing the animals bred in captivity into the wild. Yeah, all that sounds great to me! Almost as great as having my arm chewed off slowly by a baby hamster or swallowing a dozen tiny fire ants.

I mean I guess I’m not supposed to say how much I dislike PETA, but I really dislike PETA. And no, for all you gems out there, this does not stand for People Who Eat Tasty Animals. I will strap you to a chair and feed you tofu, motherfucker. It’s not that I don’t support the core of what they stand for, (like, way way way down there. Like the center of the earth, molten rock core) I just think they all belong somewhere other than in the public eye, like, say, a mental institution. I’ve met a lot of people who think that the vegan label is used synonymously with a PETA membership, and I’m here to proclaim just how wrong that is. Although many of the members of PETA are vegan and their cause (equal treatment of animals) hits home for many of us, I think where people get caught up is their methods. I’m all for protests and expressing what you believe in, but in my opinion, they take it too far.

I agree with their arguments that the factories where animals are killed are terrible places and their methods for killing the animals are heinous, but I also think that PETA takes it a step too far with their publicity stunts. It’s not even a question of “Is PETA crazy?” at this point. It’s more a question of “What will they do next” said in the voice of a mother whose teenage daughter has just caked on the eyeliner,pushed down her booty shorts, and brought the lead singer of a grunge band home. Also, I think PETA is part of the reason why vegans get such a bad rap. I’ve already mentioned that vegans are automatically associated with the organization, and their extremist behavior does nothing to improve the vegan reputation.

My biggest problem with PETA is their need to sensationalize absolutely everything. I mean, I get it that animals are mistreated. I really do. I got it before you drugged me and put me in a dimly lit room and beat me. But if I have to see one more human painted in “blood” or god forbid another Nazi reference, I lived in Germany, and I just find it offensive, then I’m going to punch a kitten. I lose a lot of respect when organizations sensationalize things for their cause (says the girl who could dramatize paint drying), and I think PETA is one of the biggest offenders with this.

HOWEVER, like I said before, I actually do like some of the stuff they do, and this post isn’t just some long-winded boring rant about how obnoxious I think an organization that is headed by a woman who, after she is deceased, would like her remains to be barbequed. Those are going to be some lucky eaters!

Here is a wonderful list, because there’s nothing I love more than a good list, about why you should try veganism in the New Year! Not only is it simultaneously mocking PETA, it’s just making me feel so much better about myself. My favorites are definitely numbers nine and ten.

The Tuesday list of things

Happy Tuesday!

I cannot stop listening to this song. // This is a really interesting article about the connection between people and animals. // ” I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.” I can’t stop. // Gala Darling is so wonderful. I’ve been reading her blog since I was fifteen and she continues to inspire me. // If only I was Welsch and in love. // WATCH THIS! Even if you aren’t a woman.