That’s ‘Allergy’, not ‘Allergie’

After a tough week of attending a whopping nine hours of class and spending entirely too much time on our common room’s couch looking at themetapicture, my two friends and I decided it was time for a night out. And by night out, I really just mean an evening spent gorging ourselves on the fattiest things we can find, which just happened to be massive amounts of burgers and fries.

It’s gotten infinitely easier to just go out to eat without worrying if there will be food for me that is not a side salad, but my my friends were not so convinced. While I have developed the attitude of “everything will work out”, my friend has an entirely different approach.  Katherine is that girl. We have all had that girl in one of our classes or at work. She’s the girl who gets all her work done a minimum of one week in advance, who dots all her i’s and crosses all her t’s, who says the right thing, and never swears or speaks out of turn. Yeah, we have all hated her at some point. But I don’t use the term that girl out of spite… Okay, it’s like ten percent out of spite and ninety percent out of sheer awe because, if I allow myself to admit it, I only dislike that girl because I wish I were more like her.  Anyways, Katherine always organizes our outings and makes sure I am adequately fed, which means her eyes scan each online menu for the magical words “Veggie Burger”.

Red Robins had a veggie burger, lucky for them. I feel like restaurants have a secret vegan tracking device and they know, somehow, the minute I walk in that I’m going to start shit. It’s not like I try to be really obnoxious, it’s just, like, this social disorder I have. Anyways, we have this really sweet, blonde, Southern Bell-type waitress who is, of course, chewing gum as she takes our order. I feel kind of mean about how much I pester the waiters and waitresses who so diligently serve me, but come on! When your job is to serve the customer, serve the fucking customer! When I tell you that I’m vegan, for the love of god and all that is holy, do not respond with, “Oh, that must be hard. I don’t know if this has eggs or not. It might… We have salad.” You know what’s hard, lady? Quantum physics is hard. Trying to get my cowlicks to stay down is hard. Asking a cook if something has milk and egg in it shouldn’t be hard. You’d think with all the food allergies today you’d have a more allergy-friendly menu.

And then came Gumby, otherwise known as the man of my dreams and answer to my problems. Not only was his chin equipped with a beard, but he was also taller than me (I’m pretty sure that brings the total to seven men in the world that I now do not tower over.) and he was vegan-friendly. Actually, he was allergy friendly, which I’m sure my friend, Clara, would squeal over and promptly display her list of allergies which is longer than my legs. After the poor waitress had had enough of my “are you fucking kidding me?” and “oh my god, just ask the cook!” looks, she hurriedly fetched this man, who, after reading all the labels of the buns and allowing me to double-check him, presented me with a packet of allergy information. I wish I had a picture of this thing because it is the cutest! He even put it in a portfolio and titled it “My Red Robin ‘Allergie’ Guide. YUMM!” The misspelling of allergy just makes him even more endearing.

I think Gumby was mildy creeped out by the fact that I just kept crooning, “Oh my god, you are my hero… my heeeeero. Oh my god, you are wonderful. Wonderfuuuuuul.” It’s just, I had this vision in my head of sadly chomping on a side salad while Katherine and Andrea inhaled their huge burgers, tower of onion rings, and sides of broccoli and french fries, and my soul was dying. Gumby replaced this sad vision with one full of Boca burgers, whole wheat buns, and happiness.

So the lesson here is to never be afraid to be that annoying customer who just keeps asking about the ingredients. The waiters and waitresses are there to serve you and are, 9 times out of 10, super helpful and understanding about your diet. I can almost guarantee that if you ask, there will be a vegan or vegetarian option for you that does not include the words “side salad”. However, just in case the waiters are bitches and don’t take you seriously (this has happened to me a couple of times), tell them that you are lactose intolerant and they perk up like you just announced that you are the health inspector and found a fingernail in the soup. When you introduce death and suffocation into it, THEN they get serious. Otherwise, don’t be afraid to ask questions and badger the kitchen staff! Hell, I’ve practically turned it into a hobby.

In conclusion: This is just a thought, but whoever invented the concept of the bottomless fries should seriously be sentenced for indirectly killing thousands of people by obesity. I mean, come on. Who actually stops after that first basket even though they are nursing a seven month old food baby? Certainly not this girl. I will sue if I ever die of obesity.

Crab is vegan, right?

There’s no one in the world who I adore more than my grandfather. This man is the most lovable, precious, eighty-something-year-old there is. At this point, I’m pretty sure my mother is picking up her cell phone and pressing five for my speed dial to check if the concussion I sustained last week hasn’t caused my brain to swell too much. Side note: I got a concussion last week doing a handstand on the wall in our common room. Ask me why it’s legal to be this cool later. For those of you who actually know the legend that is SOB (some choose to call him Sweet Old Bill, more refer to him by the more common use of the acronym. I still haven’t figured out which one he prefers), you might be caught a little off-guard.

I am what most people would refer to as a tree-hugging hippie but what I prefer to call “an environmentally aware young woman, who also happens to wear a lot of hemp bracelets and list cuddle-puddling as an extra-curricular on applications”. I live for hiking in the woods and finding that perfect outlook point. I go to an all-girls school, eat books about feminism for breakfast and pray to Eve Ensler every night. My idea of a good meal is a can of chick peas and marinated tofu. I once thought I was Republican until I realized that I had a concussion and that I really only wanted to poke Scary-Lady Gingrich’s hair to see if it ACTUALLY MOVES! I feel so bad when I make fun of someone behind their back, that I would probably start crying and kissing the person’s feet before I even got a single insult out. Marriage is a term I associate with Disney movies, not my future. And I have never met a Schnauzer that I didn’t want to kick.

My grandfather, on the other hand, is a die-hard Catholic, who would never be caught without his wine and pipe. He has been married multiple times, each woman having the prerequisite of a name that starts with the letter ‘J’ and a head full of blond hair. If you ask him about women and minorities he will promptly show you his birth certificate illustrating that he was, indeed, born when the white man was the only creature that existed. After the 2006 Democrat takeover of Congress, the man consumed a few small oceans of alcohol and went around proclaiming, “The Republicans are gonna take it!”  My grandfather also has the good fortune of not being born with a filter. If this man thinks you’re fat or ugly, believe me, he will let you know through some insult. I’m pretty sure the only reason he gets away with this is because he’s old and there is some ridiculous, unwritten rule that you can’t make fun of old people because it might give them heart palpitations, or cause them to stroke out or whatever. I say it’s ludicrous, but secretly, I’m plotting all the horrid things I will do to the kids on my block when I’m seventy. The first thing I will do is chase after them on one of those hoverrounds, hitting them in the shins with my cane. Don’t question why I need a cane AND an electric wheel chair. I just do, okay?

The only things my grandfather and I have in common is my father, our unfortunate last name, and our wildly inappropriate vocabulary. Although, it should also be mentioned that I rarely ever like the people I should. Also, he provides me with the perfect excuse to use the word “crotchety”. God, I love that word. I would compare the enjoyment my mouth receives from speaking this word to finding a twenty dollar bill in the laundry or trying on the five dollar dress and having it fit like a glove. I write sonnets about the word crotchety.

So why is it that when I walk in for Sunday brunch at the Furbush residence and my grandfather’s first question to me is, “Do you want some crab cakes, Sweetie? I made them just for you!” that my heart melts like butter on a hot pancake? It doesn’t even occur to my vegan brain to say, “No, Grandpa, I don’t want any crab cakes because crab is an animal.” Never mind the fact that they smell like the inside of an orifice I am well-acquainted with. Instead I shovel those five crabby patties onto my plate, give my grandfather a beaming smile, and spend the rest of brunch feeding them conspicuously to my little troll brother, who gobbles that shit up, thinking the entire time, This is love, people. This is love.

Something you all should know

One time my mother chased me around my entire house with a raw sausage, laughing so hard that she could only manage syllables instead of words. She might have peed her pants. And I would say that she would be horrified that I was telling this story to the entire blogosphere, but then I remembered that it’s her favorite story to act out in front of company. It only gets weird when my dad has to play the part of my mother (chasing her with his raw sausage? Yeah, you get it).

Lesson: I can handle anything you anti-vegan bitches dish out.

Kindness

This is a warning: I am going to shamelessly use this blog to give the little girl I babysit a shout out. If there’s something that I always appreciate, it’s kindness. I’m not talking about buying-someone-a-gift-just-because-they-bought-you-one kindness or the wonderful southern I’m-going-to-compliment-you-on-your-hideous-hair-while-not-so-secretly-judging-you kindness. I’m talking about the kindness of a girl, who gives her entire savings without second-guessing herself for one minute to a cause that is so deserving of the money, cancer research. The second she got me alone, I fell victim to her puppy-dog eyes and pleading voice. Her grandfather, who had it far worse than me because he’s actually related to this miniature car salesman, was forced to donate a very large amount of money, that made the poor college student within me cry a little, after she continued to shout, “Just think about the sick children, Gampa!” If this little girl goes into sales, we are all screwed.

After I got home I couldn’t stop smiling at everyone I saw and beaming whenever someone smiled back. It occurred to me how unkind and negative I can be to the poor people just trying to deal with their own problems. I was so inspired by her selfless act of kindness that I have made a list of things to do starting with 1.) Smile more. Number twenty is to stop whimpering when the scary lunch lady talks to me. I bet that doesn’t make her feel so good.

In order to not make her too angelic, she taught me a little about Martin Luther King:

Little Girl: “This is Martin Luther King.”

Me: “Martin Luther King! Who’s that?”

Little Girl: “MARTIN LUTHER KING! You don’t know him? He had a dream!”

Me through tears from laughing: “Oh, him!”

Little Girl: *looking shy* “I like him.”

Me: “Oh, really? You like him?”

Little Girl: “No.”

Me: “So you don’t like him.”

Little Girl: “I do! I mean, not like boyfriend/girlfriend like, but I like what he said. I think he was smart.”

Little Girl’s Sister: “But he was poor.”

Little Girl: “Yeah he was poor…”

I don’t think any small child has ever captured my heart so quickly. And I was worried that she was going to be the next Mother Teresa.

On the Menu

I have a confession to make. I am one of those people who types “easy” whenever I’m researching anything that has to do with baking or making things. For example, “easy vegan apple pie”, “easy guitar song”, “easy way to make a house out of toothpicks”, etc. I feel like such an apathetic young person when I do that, but I can’t change my ways. Also, I tend to lean towards recipes that have less than five ingredients, or at least I used to, until I realized that nothing with flavor can ever be made without a minimum or ten ingredients. I’m pretty sure it was my best friend telling me that I was the worst representation of a vegan in the whole world that broke that camels back. This whole expansion of my culinary experience has made me a little depressed.

And while I’m on this confession role I might as well confess that my brother never cut my bangs in second grade, I hate Vampire Weekend (I know, I know. What indie chick doesn’t love this band? I just feel like my catholic grandfather makes more pleasing noises when he is falling down the stairs. That’s all), and that I’ve kind of been stealing Granny Smith apples from my cafeteria for a whole week just to make this recipe. I’ve stolen so many apples that a woman who works there now refers to me as “Apple Girl”. I’m actually okay with this because before, my nickname was “Baby” and nothing repulses me more than being called baby.

With that being said, I love this recipe. I mean, I risked being thrown out of school just to bring it to you. (Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but I risked being admonished by the terrifying cashier woman in my school’s cafeteria. I think I would rather get kicked out of school than have to experience that, if I’m honest.) I have made this about thirty-seven times because there is nothing that I love more that a hot apple pie. It’s easy, obviously, and it has under fifteen steps. You can all start breathing that sigh of relief now. I got this recipe from food.com… and by typing in “easy vegan apple pie recipe”. JUDGE ME LATER!

Vegan Apple Pie

• 6 large apples, peeled,cored,and sliced (peeling is optional)
• 1/2 cup raisins (optional)
• 3/4 cup maple syrup
• 1 -2 teaspoon lemon juice
• 2 teaspoons cinnamon
• 2 1/2 tablespoons cornstarch or 2 1/2 tablespoons arrowroot
• 1 pie crust
• 1 -2 tablespoon whole wheat flour

I usually use an extra apple just to make myself feel better about eating half the pie in one sitting, but that’s just me. I also add an extra teaspoon of cinnamon because I snort it in my spare time. These are just suggestions, though.

1. Preheat oven to 350.

2. Prepare apples.

3. Boil water in a large pot and add apples and raisins.

4. Turn down heat to medium and simmer apples and raisins for 10 minutes or until soft.

5. Save 1/4 cup of water used for cooking apples for later use.

6. Drain apples and place in large bowl.

7. Mix apples with maple syrup, cinnamon, and lemon juice.

8. Set aside.

9. In a saucepan, add “applewater” and corn starch.

10. Stir continuously until mixture is thick, then add to apple mix.

11. Lastly, add whole wheat flour to mixture.

12. Stir well and carefully.

13. Pour final mixture into the pie crust and bake on 350 for 30 minutes, or until brown.

There are only 386 calories in one slice so feel free to eat the whole pie and nothing else for the rest of the day. You will only blame the bloating on yourself. Also, I made this recipe on Christmas and my father’s entire family, who are the farthest things from vegan that you will ever meet, loved it! I may have neglected to tell them that it was vegan, but still… If they found out they probably would have muttered something along the lines of, “Goddamn liberal rubbish, hippie scum, tree-huggin’, granola munchin’, acorn crackin’….” I did them a favor not mentioning it. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy it!

Vegans are just pandas in people suits

The following conversation, if you can even call it that, occurred during breakfast today:

“Vegans are just like pandas.”

“What? That’s ridiculous. How do you even know that?”

“It’s not ridiculous. Pandas are actually omnivores, but they’re too dumb to realize that they can eat anything but bamboo. So they just sit in their tree all day eating bamboo.”

“So I’m a dumb panda because I choose not to eat meat?”

“You’re not dumb, you’re just choosing not to acknowledge your basic instinct to hunt.”

“It still feels like you’re calling me a dumb panda.”

How much do I love that when I was researching pandas, I came across the WWF website which describes the pandas as universally loved? Sure they’re rare and endangered, but that all pales in comparison to how universally loved these little dough balls of fun are!

It’s not that I resent being compared to a panda because let’s be honest, they’re just cute little cuddle balls, but when I think pandas, I kind of just think slow and dumpy. My love for this animal began when my mother first showed me the sneezing panda video and was only enhanced when I went to the zoo and watched a baby panda fall out of a tree only to get right back up and start munching on some bamboo. I remember thinking to my ten year-old self, will nothing phase this creature? Apparently not. Not even having the digestive tract of an omnivore can keep this animal from eating a mostly vegetarian diet (99% of their diet consists of bamboo). Pandas adapted to the lack of meat and excess bamboo and began leading an almost-vegetarian lifestyle. Five gold stars for you guys!

My favorite excerpt from my “extensive” research on pandas: “The pandas evolved, but its intestines didn’t.” I just picture this big panda with intestines wrapped all around him. I bet all the polar bears are like, “That silly panda and his prehistoric intestines.”

What I learned: I can love pandas even more than I thought. I have no problem being compared to a panda because a.) They’re cute, and b.) They have adapted wonderfully to their environment around them… except for that tricky intestine of theirs. Pandas were sent down from the gods for my own personal enjoyment. (Thanks, Big G.) And lastly, people don’t know the difference between carnivores and omnivores.

Thinking

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? I always thought there was something sketchy about Bill Gates.

Happy Cow

The Environment Aspect

Today, after finishing our homework, the little girl I babysit and I played my favorite game, Would You Rather. Among the ridiculous questions like “Would you rather eat cow brain or cow tongue?” and “Would you rather have a pet unicorn or a baby dragon?” (To this she answered in a matter-of-fact voice, “The unicorn, of course. They’re white and beautiful and I find them fascinating. A dragon would burn me up and you know how much that scares me.” DUH, Hannah. Sometimes I can be such a disappointing babysitter.) came a truly insightful one.  “Did you know that the ice in Antarctica is melting? That means that all the little penguins are starving! And the polar bears are dying!” This was all said with the eagerness of a small puppy who needs to go outside to pee.

As a side note: I always love how oblivious the kids are whenever I just start rapidly typing as they speak to me. I feel like I’m merely a prop in their conversations. They could probably just paint a face onto a wall and be happy. Anyways, not the point. The point is that being vegan is more than just caring about animals and braiding your armpit hair, as my friend affectionately tells me. In my opinion, you cannot truly refer to yourself as an environmentalist if you do not acknowledge every way you can reduce your carbon footprint. There’s no way around the fact that a meat-based diet has a much more negative impact on the environment than a “bacon free” one, so to say.

We live in a world where our temperatures are rising along with the sea levels, the weather patterns are changing and the natural habitats of animals are being destroyed. It doesn’t take an environmental scientist to deduce that there’s something wrong with the way we’re living, especially if the nine year-old girl I babysit, who usually prattles on about Snowflake the Guinea Pig and Mr. Seawave, her toy crab, is bringing it to my attention. The average American’s carbon footprint according to an MIT study is 20 metric tons. This is five times the global average and more than double the average homeless person.

One of the biggest contributors to the depletion of the ozone layer is the livestock industry (farm animals), which contributes a whopping 18% of greenhouse gas emissions and is also responsible for 64% of methane emissions causing acid rain. Pollution is also a huge factor in the livestock sector. Animal waste is contaminating the water as are the pesticides and fertilizers used for the crops for feed. Also, the water consumption used for keeping livestock is astounding, accounting for over 8% of the global human water use. According to the Water Education Foundation, it takes 2,464 gallons of water to produce one pound of beef in California.This is just naming a few of the alarming statistics.

Reducing the amount of emissions in the livestock industry is something that we all can help with. I’m not saying that every single person should immediately adopt a vegan or vegetarian diet. However, I will challenge you to maybe eliminate meat from your diet once a week, ride your bike instead or driving, turn off all the lights in your house, eat dinner by candlelight, buy your clothes from Goodwill instead of brand new, plant some trees, buy local, the possibilities are endless!

Being vegan no longer means arguing against the motto “human problems come first”. Global warming and the current environmental crises affect everyone and everything, not just Americans or the rich or poor. This is a global problem that every single person is contributing to. My question is this: What are you going to do to stop it?

 

Sources:

Vegetarian Times

Vegan Outreach

Earthlings: A Film Review

Earthlings, written and directed by Shaun Monson, is a graphic documentary that delves into the world of animal abuse. The documentary, narrated by Joaquin Phoenix, uses primarily undercover video footage to expose the extreme cases of mistreatment. The footage speaks for itself in factories, circuses, bull fights, slaughterhouses, and puppy mills. It shows animals receiving electric shock therapy, being skinned alive, and elephants being “motivated” with a hook. If you’re not already an animal rights activist, this film might turn you into one.

I’m not interested in throwing around clichés like “meat is murder” because frankly, I think those protests have the tendency to shut people down immediately. However, I will say that this documentary truly reawakened my views on animal welfare. I couldn’t help being moved by the horrifying video clips in this movie and I want to take some action.

I decided at the beginning of this blog that I wouldn’t post videos of animals being slaughtered. There’s not really a specific reason, but I would rather this be a positive blog than a bloody, gory mess of a page. With that being said, I can’t actually show you guys this interview without a little bit of footage of animals being abused. I think this is an incredible interview and I love the director’s passion. Below is the interview about the making of the documentary and a little bit on his personal views  about being vegan.

I would definitely recommend this documentary to anyone who wants to learn more about veganism. I tend to focus on the dietary and environmental aspects of it, but if you want a glimpse into the ethical sector of veganism this is the perfect documentary for you. The images are haunting and will probably stick with you, like they did with me, for weeks after. (I found them more appalling than those terrible Sarah McLachlan commercials. At the first sound of “In the arms of an angel” that TV is off.) I hope you watch the film or at least read about the various aspects addressed within because it is so informative and intelligently done. Bring the tissues!

Did You Know?

Did you know that…

3.2 percent of adults follow a vegetarian diet? That’s 7.3 million people!

0.5 percent of those people are vegans?

Over 1.3 billion human beings could be fed each year from the grain and soybeans that go to livestock in the United States?

Livestock in the US produces roughly 30 times more excrement than human beings?

It takes 7.5 pounds of protein feed to create 1 pound of consumable hog protein; and it takes 5 pounds of protein feed to create 1 pound of consumable chicken protein? Close to 90% of protein from wheat and beans is lost to feed cycling.

If everyone went vegetarian for just one day, the U.S. would save:

100 billion gallons of water, enough to supply all the homes in New England for almost 4 months

1.5 billion pounds of crops otherwise fed to livestock, enough to feed the state of New Mexico for more than a year

70 million gallons of gas — enough to fuel all the cars of Canada and Mexico combined with plenty to spare

33 tons of antibiotics

 

According to Environmental Defense, if every American skipped one meal of chicken per week and substituted vegetarian foods instead, the carbon dioxide savings would be the same as taking more than half a million cars off of U.S. roads.

 

Sources:

If the World Went Vegetarian

vegetarianvegan.com

Vegetarianism in America